


Nightmare

by moodwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 22:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3585621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy has nightmares.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> Dkymekare's prompt for this story is: I was thinking something where TJ thinks too much and makes all these assumptions and stories in his head, that he's not good enough or better, that he's not worth Adam's love tho Adam said that TJ's the one for him? and TJ's having nightmares cause of his insecurity that affects him. 
> 
> She was listening to Zombie by Cranberries when this hit her. I hope this is something you'll like. <3

__

Sleep with one eye open  
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light  
Enter night  
take my hand  
We're off to never never-land

Hush little baby don't say a word  
And never mind that noise you heard  
It's just the beasts under your bed  
In your closet and in your head

Exit light  
Enter night  
Grain of sand

Exit light  
Enter Night  
Take my hand!  
We're off to never never-land

Enter Sandman by Metallica

The days are perfect. They are the happiest he's ever had. It's still so tentative and fragile, but it's there - their budding relationship. He can't figure out how it happened, though. Somehow it's Scarlett's fault because she planted the seed of doubt in them, said all kinds of observant things that finally made Adam approach him one evening after a concert with friends. No alcohol was involved, just them, coffee, and endless hours of talking. 

Adam asked him if he would be interested in trying it out since they'd been circling each other for ages. And that night, they made a pact that if it didn't work they would do everything in their power to stay close. 

Tommy still mostly fears the not-gonna-work part. It's nothing rational, mainly ideas that won't leave him alone. Like the fact that he's nothing like Adam. He's mostly socially awkward - and that's on his best days. He likes to disappear for days and do absolutely nothing productive. Adam is the epitome of productivity and suave behavior. He knows what he's doing. Most days, Tommy manages to guess correctly what the cashier wants from him. 

He's maybe being a little too hard on himself, though. He may not be the life of the party, but he's often the center of the party because people come to him. They love his cuddly ass for some reason, and he loves to love them back. 

But yeah, he hides under his blanket often because hello, the world is cruel and complicated, and he just doesn't get it. 

And Adam, he runs in the big crowds. He knows people. He has lunch with fucking Steven Tyler. 

Rock star boyfriend is not such a glamorous thing to have when you want to go grocery shopping or eat at Taco Bell. He's thought of changing his looks because skinny dude with blond hair, tattoos, and big sunglasses kind of screams the-boy-who-Adam-Lambert-fucks. He gets followed, too, but if they go anywhere together they have to be extra careful. But Adam is a ninja, he is. He's lived this life long enough to know how to go weeks without anyone knowing where he is. The fans play Where the Fuck Is Adam Mitchel Lambert often enough. 

Adam is more than he could have ever dreamed of. He gives so much, shares so much, reveals his heart, all his deepest, darkest secrets. He's completely there with everything he has. It could be overwhelming, too, but it isn't. Contrary to popular belief, Adam is very patient, especially when it comes to people, and he's given more than enough room for Tommy to come to terms with everything. Like his bi-sexuality or Adam-sexuality. Or whatever. 

Tommy finds it all very fascinating. 

The first time Adam pulled his hair he got a boner. It still makes him smile. That should have told him something. He just isn't very observant, not like Scarlett or his mother or Adam's mother or the fucking fans. The first time his mom saw them kissing (on tour) she asked him tentatively: "Are you sure there's nothing going on between you two?" He didn't know what to say or how to explain, but he denied it like a good little boy scout. 

Everything is peachy. He loves his life. The days are gorgeous and fun, full of sun, lazy kisses, and music. All they do on their days off is lie on the patio and make music happen. And Adam sings all the fucking time, the endless noise making Tommy's skin tingle and his heart beat faster. He can't hide from it ever. Adam sings in the shower and in the kitchen and while he reads and when he writes e-mails and sometimes even when he talks - if there is a long enough break between words. So Tommy thinks Adam doesn't mind that eighty percent of his time goes to playing guitar or reading about guitar players or listening to the best solos ever. So maybe they fit, just a little. 

But it's the nights that kill him. 

Tommy has nightmares, and he's gathered so much material for those over the years that they cripple him, render him defenseless. He's completely unprepared to face those horror moments when he wakes up, sweaty, his heart in his throat, a silent scream stuck somewhere inside him. 

He never wakes Adam up, but he fears that even more than waking to that fucking scream that never comes out. 

It becomes so bad he doesn't even want to go to sleep anymore. He stays up reading as long as he can, and when he starts feeling too sleepy, he gets up and goes to the balcony, stays far away from the railing because heights are evil, and just breathes. He wraps his blanket around himself, hiding even his toes, only his face showing from under it, and hugs his knees against his chest. He feels ridiculously lonely. 

One of those nights, Adam finds him there, looks at him from the door, barefoot and sleep-soft, and so beautiful Tommy's heart aches. "Trouble sleeping?" Adam asks, leaning against the door frame. 

"Yeah." He doesn't want to tell Adam that this has been going on for weeks, but he's sure Adam can see the circles under his eyes. He's not the picture of health anyway, but this sleep deprivation leaves him looking like a zombie. 

"Wanna share?" Adam sounds like he's not fully awake yet. 

He swallows the loneliness and smiles. "Not really."

Adam is quiet for a long while, then says, "What's going on, Tommy?"

Tommy can't look at Adam. Everything he feels is on the surface, and he fears most of it would leak through his defenses. "I can't sleep. That's all."

"Are you unhappy?"

That stops his heart. "No! What makes you... no, okay? No."

Adam moves closer, sits next to him, and Tommy steals a quick glance at him. Adam looks worried but peaceful, like he knows that there's _something_ wrong, but it's not the end of the world. 

Tommy will never get bored with trying to read Adam's expressions. 

"You're hiding under your blanket," Adam says. "That usually tells people to piss off. Do you want me to piss off for now?"

He actually laughs at that, then says very quietly, "Stay. Please." 

"What do you wanna talk about?" 

"Tell me a story."

Adam looks at him, puts two fingers under Tommy's chin, and tilts his head. "What kind?" 

He bites his lower lip, stares into Adam's eyes, and thinks, _What the fuck am I doing?_ He'll lose Adam just by being an insecure jerk. "Tell me why you're so confident?"

"You do know I have my weaknesses?"

Tommy nods, Adam's fingers still holding his chin. "Yeah, I know," he says. "Doesn't change the fact that you know exactly what you're doing."

Adam pulls his legs up and puts his arms around them. Tommy misses his touch already. "I see people as they are," he says thoughtfully. "I don't see anyone's status or what they try to project or how tough they are. I see them. And because I see them I also see how fragile they are, and since everyone is like me I see no point in feeling inadequate compared to anyone else."

That's not a story. He tells Adam that, and Adam grins, pulling at Tommy's fringe gently. 

"I want a story," he fake-whines. 

"Okay, okay," Adam says, digs Tommy's hand out from under the blanket, and entwines their fingers. "I met this one guy while I was traveling in Europe. He was a big, tough dude in an expensive suit, and we ended up in the same hotel room. Not to have sex, but to talk. And he told me about his childhood, and how his dad locked him in a dark closet every time he did something wrong. And he wet himself there and he was so fucking afraid that his dad would just forget him there. And he cried in my arms... and he said that nobody had ever listened to him. This is what I see in people. I see how frail they are, and how fucking strong they can be. And it just makes me feel like... it's pointless to think that we're lesser than someone else. Everything we are is enough any given time. Just because we all hurt. We're all scared. Sometimes." 

Tommy has no idea what to say to that. He knows Adam is right, but he still stands in the dark corner where everything else seems so big and he feels so god damn small. "I think you'd be better off without me," he says before he can swallow the words. 

Adam jerks back, lets go of Tommy's hand. "What?"

"Everyone is mad at you for being with me, and I don't know how to behave with the press. I don't know anything. And I'm nothing like you."

"Who's mad at me?" Adam sounds confused and lost. 

"They say I messed up your last relationship. I was there. I'm always there." He has no idea what he's saying any more. He doesn't know why he's having nightmares. "I don't want anyone hurting you because of me."

"What? Nobody's going to hurt me. What are you saying?" Adam tries to reach for him, but he scoots back. 

"I don't know." He hides his face in his hands. "I don't know. I don't sleep because I wake up screaming every night. I don't want you to be unhappy. Don't be with me if you're unhappy."

"You haven't been sleeping at all?" Adam sounds awful, pained. "Tommy, look at me. Look at me."

He does, glad that there are no tears on his face. "What?" He feels drained, exhausted beyond anything he's ever felt before. 

"Why didn't you tell me? You've been so happy during the day, so... alive. I've never seen you like that before. Why didn't you tell me?" Adam touches the side of his face, and he leans into the touch, helpless. 

"Did I mess up your relationship? Am I too quiet, too strange, too something that this won't work? Do you want me to go?"

"Oh my god, shut up for a second. Have I ever given you a reason to think that I don't enjoy every moment of our time together? I've never been this happy. And no, you didn't mess up my relationship with him. We broke up long before, and it was because we couldn't figure out how to merge our lives. You know this. I've told you everything. And no, I don't want you to go. I wish I could force you to stay... I'm that desperate for you, but I try to keep that under control because I don't want to mess this up. God, Tommy, what have you been thinking?"

Tommy's brain tunes out at the words _desperate for you_. He can't understand the depth of those words. He thought he was the only one. "I can't breathe without you. That fucking scares me. Kick me out now, please, because I can't live without you if you keep me longer." 

Adam pulls him close, crushes them together like tomorrow is an uncertainty. "Don't scare me like that. You had me with fucking hello the first time we met. I just didn't want to believe it. You're everything to me. Everything. I try not to be too overwhelming, but it's not easy. Please, believe me. Please."

Tommy breathes in and out a few times, thinking about Adam's words. He has to believe him, otherwise it will suck him dry and he won't be able to be anything for Adam. He thinks about the man who cried in Adam's arms, and what that gave Adam. He thinks, and decides that he's going to try. "Please be desperate with me. I really don't mind." 

Adam's laughter is somehow broken in the middle, but so genuine Tommy laughs with him. "You have no idea how desperate I can be."

"Please, just please. I'll know... I can... I'll trust you." He'll be able to trust Adam if he's weak too. 

Adam kisses the side of his head. "I will," he says softly, then asks, "What kind of nightmares have you been having?"

Tommy hiccups, feeling silly. He tells Adam anyway. "Someone chases me down a dark street. The street lights flicker. I just know something is hungry for me, but I can't escape it. I hear sounds, growls, scratching... I don't know. I have a good imagination for all the things that could be chasing me. Too much material for horror. And I always wake up when that something catches me."

"Kick his ass next time. It's your dream. You choose the rules."

He laughs. "It doesn't work like that."

"Call me, and I'll come rescue you with my alien ship... and probe you for fun."

That has him laughing even harder. "I love you, you know." He looks up, feeling safe and happy and maybe a little embarrassed, too. "I love your mind. I love your kindness. I love your everything."

Adam kisses his lips lightly, then pulls back a little to look at his face. "I want to see you sleep tonight. Can you do that for me, baby?"

He can. He's already falling asleep to the beating of Adam's heart.


End file.
